An Inhuman Condition

So a while back I bought a watch that didn’t fit. Here is my quest to get extra links for the watch. The email starts to get good after the first one. I always try to start out being reasonable.

The Zenwatch metal band is too small for my wrist. With like 4 extra metal links, the band would be perfect. I don’t want to send the watch back, but I feel like buying the premium band is a waste if it doesn’t fit. Is it possible to get some extension links?

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Dear Nathan,

Thank you for contacting ASUS Customer Service. My name is Carter and it is my pleasure to help you with your problem.

I feel sincerely sorry for your trouble. I understand you are meeting the band issue with this product.

Unfortunately I am afraid that the meta links are not separately sold from us. Here I would feedback your request to the product department for future reviewing. Currently if possible, I would suggest you to have a check with the local jeweler and check if they could help you to find the suitable metal links.

Thanks for your understanding and sorry for the inconvenience.

An email survey will be sent to you within the next 5 days. Please be sure to rate the service I provided to you today.

Best Regards,
Carter X.

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Tech Support,

That is really disappointing. I understand smartwatches are like the wild west right now, but I am especially disappointed because 1) I spent 15 minutes trying to find the length of the band to measure against my wrist on the ASUS website (which is like trying to find the liver in a human body if you’re not a surgeon). 2) I actually tried on the plastic band on my friend’s watch before buying this one and it fit my wrist on the last hole (so it’s not like I am bred from Giant stock and want this watch to get text notifications from Dwarves and Halflings in this fantasy world I live in).

So I did due diligence before assuming the watch would fit. The metal band is just smaller than the plastic one suspiciously like you are trying to rob us of watch band. I also find it hard to believe that nowhere in the ASUS umbrella do you have some links available. You have to warranty this thing, right? So somewhere, someone could find a handful of links for this product. Someone should be able to help me out a little bit more than “Yeah, I’m sorry. Submit feedback and find a watchsmith like it’s 1942 and every scrap of metal must be conserved for fighting the Axis.”

You would also think that maybe with relatively new products you would go a little further to provide some actual support when issues like this arise. There will be others with wrists like mine or (DARE I SAY) even larger ones. But I assume you’re answer to them will just be a genial “Screw you, big hands! We’re soooo sorry.” I get that if I buy a laptop, and the keys are a bit small for my massive Godzilla fingers, I can just squeeze the fingers together and get my carpal-tunnel typin’ on. But if a watch doesn’t fit on my wrist, you have basically sold me a vibrating cock ring, and I don’t think Donald Trump’s America appreciates robot sextoys one bit.

So unless you can actually help me or I happen upon a shrink mushroom from Alice in Wonderland, I will have to send this beautiful metal piece of garbage back to Amazon.

Shame on you,
Nathan “King Kong Hands” Welling

P.S. – Carter X makes it sound like you are a mutant with superpowers, but instead of using them to fight Magneto and the evil mutants, you have chosen to build sentinels and oppress your own kind with them. Shame on you, Carter X.

P.P.S. – There are some nuances to my response that would best be understood by a native speaker of English and may be lost in Google translate. Please forward my feedback to any US tech support department you may have to explain the pop-culture references and general sarcasm so you don’t think I’m a crazy guy who thinks watches go on the penis.

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Dear Nathan,

I am sincerely sorry for the inconvenience brought to you.

But I am afraid that currently there indeed isn’t a longer metal band for this Zenwatch 2 could be provided by us.Currently if possible, I would suggest you to have a check with the local jeweler and check if they could help you to find the suitable metal links.

Or you may consider to return the Zenwatch 2 to your Retailer the Amazon as you just purchased the watch in 30 days.
Best Regards,
Carter X.

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I don’t need a different watch band. I just need ASUS to provide watch band components like links, pins, etc.

Do you know how watch bands work? They need adjustment, service, links, pins, clasps, etc. You make them so somewhere you must have them.

I have talked to a jeweler, and he can’t match links for this band. So far the only manufacturer I’ve found that makes a band like this is ASUS, and they aren’t being helpful.

Please escalate my request to someone who can actually read and respond to my inquiry beyond typing in a script.

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Dear Nathan,

Ok, I would have a further check with the Product department. If convenient, please use your mobile phone or camera to take some photos about the band not fitting with your wrist for a check.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Best Regards,
Carter X.

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Carter,

You lied to me. The first thing you told me was that there was no way to purchase additional links for the watch band. I just received a phone call from Eric who tells me that I can purchase links for the watch band. You have lied and wasted two and a half weeks of my life, which I normally only let women do. I don’t think it’s appropriate for an ASUS support rep to try to be my girlfriend, but I am flattered that you would think of me like that.

I am still very upset at this process and how it took you five days to take my request seriously at all. I am also upset that the next department did not even know what I was looking for (additional links vs. additional pins). Also, when I asked Eric why you’ve been lying to me, he said he wasn’t sure but his tone implied that you lie to people all the time.

Why do you have to live your life like that, Carter? I know it’s hard, but come on, man. You have to be a team player in this spiritual world around us. Every fawn and leaf does it part, Carter.

Lastly, I have since been able to try on a Zenwatch 2 with the leather band (I had previously tried on the plastic band), and that watch band fit my wrist just fine. I think it’s a conspiracy deep in the heart of your organization to steal 2 links of watch band from everyone who orders this model. Since the leather and plastic bands fit, and this one is 2 links too short, Occam’s Razor suggests this is the only logical conclusion. I suspect that ASUS may have ordered fewer watch bands than watches and then cut out some extra links to make enough bands. I can’t prove it, yet, but I am confident some day the truth will see the harsh light of day. I understand you’re just a puppet in the grasp of these vast criminal doings, so I don’t blame you for everything. I believe in my heart that you can change.

I would be very careful around the office for the next few weeks until the dust settles on all this. I will send you a Tweet from a burner iMac if it looks like you need to run. I know someone who can help you to find a sandwich (*wink wink*).

Until we meet again,
Nathan X

P.S. – I thought your surname was so cool, I have adopted it for myself. I’m not trying to copy you or anything. I just feel like this turmoil has brought us closer together.