An Inhuman Condition

III: Kiss Me

“I’ve got a thought,” he said.
“Yeah?” she replied.
“Kiss me.”
“Get the fuck out. Really?”
“Yeah – not like we’re dating or anything like that. I just – it’s been so long. I don’t miss any of the relationship bullshit. I’m still taking a break from it, but … I don’t know. It gets lonely.”

She gave him a sarcastic, poor-puppy-dog look before rolling her eyes.

“I just miss that feeling, I guess. Kissing someone new has a sort of thrill to it. There’s this unknown air, you know? I’m not saying I want it to mean anything. I’m sure you’ve kissed guys without it going anywhere.”
“Well, yeah. But not like this.”
“Why not like this? I mean you would hug someone that needed a hug, right?”
“Yes, unless they were being a perv like you right now.” She balled up her napkin and threw it at him.
“No, it’s not perverted. I mean, just imagine that someone needs a kiss. It’s not like I want to fuck you, I just miss that level of intimacy, you know?”
“Really? You don’t want to fuck me? Well damn, if you sweet talk like that I’ll bet all the girls want to kiss you. You know, I think I see what your problem is – you’re just too romantic for one gal to handle. You’re like a regular Fabio. My loins are practically bursting for you right now.”
“So you want me to want to fuck you?”
“No, you goon.”
“Well I don’t get why you’re so upset all of a sudden then.”
“Because you saying you don’t want to fuck me is insulting. I mean, I don’t WANT you to want to fuck me, but I don’t want you to NOT want to fuck me. Get it?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“Of course not. Boys don’t get anything. It’s just eat, fuck, sleep – and you’re lucky if they do it in that order.”
“So will you kiss me? Just a short French – five seconds tops.”
“No. You’re making things weird. I’m not going to kiss one of my best friends. What if one of us starts carrying a boner for the other? I don’t want you to fall desperately in love with me and get those sad eyes when I don’t want to kiss you anymore.”
“So you want to kiss me now?”
“Ewww, no. I’m just saying if I didn’t think you were insane and felt like kissing a man who starts the moment off proclaiming how he would never fuck me.”
“God, get over it. I don’t mean that I wouldn’t fuck you. I just mean that that’s not how I think about you.”
“But obviously you’re thinking about kissing me.”
“But just, not as a … I can’t win this one, can I?”
“It’s looking pretty hopeless.”
“Alright, I want to fuck you.”
“I knew it! Now let’s get this over with before my tits wrinkle away.”

He looked her in the eye with a big grin forming on his face.

“So I can grab your tits, too?”