An Inhuman Condition

Here I am on the night of the Kalamazoo City Commission elections taking time away from my busy schedule of reading and consuming to pay attention. I’m stuck chain smoking and clicking the refresh button on my browser faster than a lab rat would click for cheese. I’ve been pondering the votes, assembling my own list of candidate stats and watching what is ultimately a pretty boring show. The incumbents are all far enough ahead at this point to keep their seats, and Mayor Hopewell is in no danger of losing the high throne.

I’ve been watching these results over the last few precincts and only one remains to report. I’ve seen Don Cooney lose the runner-up spot to McKinney by 66 votes, and now he’s down 107. I was hoping that someone as weird as Cooney would see some recognition. I had my hopes for the poor bastard last year when he ran against the Upton legacy for U.S. representative, and now it looks like he’s stuck a plain-ol’ commissioner. The past few elections I’ve seen him take the number 3 spot every time, and it looks like this one will be no different.

As for Hopewell, he’s a stand-up guy, and I’m not ashamed to say that I hugged the man at his inauguration in 2007. I think he’s an improvement to the well-meaning, gradnmothery patronizing of McKinney (who is a fair commissioner, but lacks gumption). I would love to see Cooney take the mayor seat some day, but he’s just off enough to never really get there.

My only real beef with the results is that people still vote for Barb Miller. She gets her name from the sharp wire fencing that shares many of her personality traits. She is a conservative whore-hopper of the finest breeding, and in addition to opposing anything that might do some good in this Yahweh-awful city, she has the personality of a rabid bulldog. She once tried to bite me at a few city commission meetings. Her keeper Mary Balkema (now the County Treasurer) had to subdue her with Beggin’ Strips and wipe the foam from her mouth while singing soothing coos to the Battle Hymn of the Republic. Miller is an awful human being in the plainest sense, and any political success for her is upsetting (but not surprising). She is cut from the cloth of Nixon without his charming personality.

It looks like both the ballot measures will pass, and it’s no surprise. The Metro Transit millage was supported by damn near all the candidates and definitely by everyone who is in the top seven currently. The anti-discrimination ordinance is a little more surprising, but it’s plain, unoffensive language is key to its appeal. To hear the opponents of this little ordinance talk about it, one would think it was a mandate to rape children. The ordinance, which seeks to “generally prohibit discriminatory practices on the basis of an individual’s race, color, religion, national origin, sex, age, height, weight, marital status, physical or mental disability, family status, sexual orientation or gender identity in the provision of housing, public accommodations, and employment”, couldn’t make any more goddamn sense if it was rewritten for kindergartners.

The people who would hate to see this pass are worried about the last two groups on that list: the sexual orientation and gender identity folks. I will never understand how bigoted bastards fight tooth and nail for the right to hate certain groups of people. As if somehow their hatred is less retarded if it’s not written down that they specifically can’t discriminate against those people. “Well shucks, I don’t mind if a single, retarded Asian works here, but damned if he’s queer!” The extent of stupidity astounds me.

And I hate to say it, but most of these staunch opponents are probably self-proclaimed followers of Jesus. That turning the other cheek thing doesn’t seem to work when it’s of the buttocks I suppose. But really, their arguments all stem from some passages of Leviticus (20:13) and Christian types ignore most of that crazy stuff anyway. I don’t see religious groups setting fire to Red Lobster any time soon (11:10) or protesting outside a barber shop (19:27). So can we please just have some common sense and admit that “the times they are a changin’?” If you’re not going to follow the entirety of the book as literal truth, save me the chore of having to watch you pick and choose against two groups that already have things tough enough.

And with that, the final results are in. Bobby Hopewell continues to be our mayor. McKinney held on the the vice-mayor seat by 58 votes. Don Cooney, David Anderson, Barb Miller, Stephanie Moore and Terry Kuseske will make up the rest of the 48th Kalamazoo City Commission. The transit authority measure passes by 6306, and the non-discrimination ordinance passes by 2940.

Now I can take the “I Voted” sticker off my chest and go back to sleep for a little while. Nothing like some Dawkins and Tom Waits before bed.

“There’s a leak, there’s a leak in the boiler room: the poor, the lame, the blind.
Who are the ones that we kept in charge? Killers, thieves and lawyers! God’s away, God’s away, God’s away on business, business.” -Tom Waits